Many months ago, Mika wrote an article on “Dirty Harriet” (which is essentially about your inner critic).

I’ve been thinking about the idea of an inner critic and insecurity a lot lately, and I really do believe that it is at the root of most relationship problems.

I mean, how many times have you been left wondering if your partner really loves you, after demanding that he assert this to you over and over again?

Is the real problem that he doesn’t tell you that he loves you enough?

Or is the real problem that nagging voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you that you’re not worthy of love, affection, or a healthy relationship? So you end up using him to silence that voice.

Is the real problem that he got mad at you for making up a simple white lie, telling him what you thought he wanted to hear?

Or is the real problem the fact that, when it all came down to it, you didn’t believe that you could be loved exactly the way you are and you felt like you had to pretend to be someone else? In effect, shaking his trust in you.

Is the real problem that he doesn’t open up about his past and tell you everything?

Or is the real problem the fact that you don’t do the same as well because you’re afraid that he wouldn’t love you if he knew the “real” you? All while you constantly thirst to know and connect with him, but you’re unable to take the first step yourself toward intimacy.

Your Inner critic (or “Dirty Harriet” as Mika refers to her…) can be a real nuisance.

She (or he) can single-handedly sabotage everything you really want for yourself and your relationship, by seeding everything you do with doubts and niggling questions that fester in the back of your mind.

So many relationships have been destroyed because someone’s inner critic planted the seed that ended up unraveling something that really was pretty good.

Seeds like, “Is this really the relationship for me?

He probably doesn’t really love me.

There’s no way he’d want to be with me if he could be with her.

There’s no way he’d really love me if he knew the truth.


Clay is an author, blogger, and dating and relationship coach for Loving Boldly. He is also a nap enthusiast, coffee aficionado, and home brewer.

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