This is Clay, and I’m angry.

A few months ago, Mika and I declared war on all the stupid relationship advice that you’ve probably been fed your entire life.

But what exactly does all this garbage look like?

I recently went spelunking in the sewers of the internet and found some striking examples of the rubbish that passes for advice (a lot of this was found on what many people would consider very reputable websites).

It’s quite shocking how out of touch most of the people giving this advice really are.

I mean this stuff is just BAD!

You’ve probably had so much of this junk forced down your throat your whole life, it’s really no wonder that it’s so difficult to just find the right partner, get along with them, and have a good relationship.

So, put on your galoshes, you don’t want to get any of this slime on you!

This is from a popular women’s website. This bit of “advice” says that having sex is the solution to getting along better with your guy. Not only that, but this advocates approaching sex as a cold, mechanical routine.

Never mind the fact that he’s depressed because he been unemployed for over a year and feels worthless because he can’t get an interview. And just forget about the fact that he doesn’t want to talk to you because he feels like a complete failure and he’s pulling away into his own personal darkness.

The solution?

Just have sex! After all, men hate talking about feelings. Men would rather just “bang it out” (so to speak). There you go, crushing depression solved and relationship restored!

And about the part advocated turning sex into a routine… let me tell you, guys like me, absolutely LOVE women who approach their love life with the same zest and passion as they approach the treadmill!

Are you bored of your relationship? Does the thought of spending another night together with your partner make you want to gauge your eyes out with fondue skewers?

Clearly the solution is to get tickets to an “awesome concert.” I mean, that’s the kind of “outside the box” date idea that no one has ever thought of before.

Problem solved. Creeping dread from the thought of spending the rest of your life with this “boring” person averted by standing in a crowd for two hours listening to muffled, overly loud music.

Thank God, you didn’t have to, you know, actually talk to that boring SOB!

Do you feel your man slipping away from you? Is each day more excruciating as you feel him drifting further away while all those warm memories from the beginning of the relationship become cold, dead shadows?

You can get all that back by putting on an XXL sports jersey for some team you don’t know anything about and sitting around all afternoon being bored out of your skull by doing something you hate.

But, hey, subjecting yourself to things you have no interest in and trying to be someone you’re not shows that you’re “easygoing and cool.”

This sounds like you’re on the fast track for a relationship that all your friends will envy.

This bit of advice is geared toward women going through a breakup.

A lot of people will tell you to flirt or even date other people to get over your ex. I think this is stupid advice because it reinforces the idea that you should look to other people to define how you feel about yourself. It’s one thing if you have the intention of actually dating these guys, but to use them and lead them on for the sole purpose of an ego boost is not only selfish, but childish and immature.

Here’s another gem for the ladies going through a breakup.

Again, this advice recommends that you fill the gaping void in your heart with “fierce” shoes. Filling your life with objects in an attempt to numb out the pain you’re feeling is a great recipe for a jaded and cynical existence (trust me, I’ve been there–just, you know, without the “fierce” shoes…).

This is bad advice because it also encourages women to rack up some hefty debt in an attempt to self-medicate after a break up. In a recent survey, a group of 2000 recently dumped women reported that they spent an average of £500 or $780 (depending on which side of the pond you’re on).

Three-quarters of the women in this study said that the cost of this shopping spree was worth it, but is it really? According to the study, women do this post-breakup splurge because they feel self-conscious about their looks after a breakup. Is that really the “fix” for feeling insecure about your beauty? And will it still be “worth it” after the sugar high of new clothes wears off and you’re left feeling crushed again (with an added $780 of bills to top it all off)?

What could be more attractive than a sociopath who pretends to care about stuff just so he can meet women? I can’t possibly imagine why you might still be single!

OMG! Who are the 26 people who actually “like” this crap?

This is what I think when I read each of these bits of “advice” for men:

1. “Oh, babe. I know we just finished fighting, so let me just tell you something stupid so we can start a new fight.”

2. Unless a woman is screaming at you, she is mad at you (and probably going to murder you). WTF?!? (I think I just gave myself a headache trying to understand this reasoning…)

3. Her: I want a divorce. I can’t believe you stole money from me and cheated on me with my sister.

Him: Remember the last time we had sex in an elevator? I bet we could do even better.

Her: Oh, honey, you’re so romantic. Maybe we can work things out after all.

4. Instead of trying to find someone who is a great fit for you and you get along great with, you should just settle because you probably can’t do any better. After all, trying is the first step toward failure.

5. Making out and having sex are the solution to all relationship problems (see #3).

6. I actually agree with this advice. I guess if you type enough moronic and insulting advice, you are bound to accidentally offer something helpful sooner or later.

7. Seriously? Golf and fencing… Are you kidding me? “Hey, babe, I know you’ve wanted to kill me recently, so I bought some swords for you to play with.”


Clay is an author, blogger, and dating and relationship coach for Loving Boldly. He is also a nap enthusiast, coffee aficionado, and home brewer.

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