Continuing on our journey through things that might not make you “relationship material,” we’re next going to touch down on when you lose yourself in a relationship and put the other person’s needs in front of your own.
Now, you may be familiar with the label we give men who do this… “Nice Guys.”
But this is also very common in women too. I guess society just thinks it’s normal for a woman to give and give (and give some more) without taking care of herself, so a lot of people don’t really say much about it.
Whether you are a man or a woman, I believe that society is reaching a point where both genders feel the need to either be Nice Guys or Nice Girls.
The Result Is That We Often Lose Focus with Who We Are
We spend so much time reacting to other people and anticipating what they want that we’re left feeling uncertain about who we are and what we should do when we get a moment to ourselves.
Otherwise why would books like this exist? This book might as well have been called “How to Tell if You’re Completely Detached from Your Own Identity (And How to Quietly Distract Yourself from the Slow Death of Your Soul).”
Here’s something a bit more personal…
Back when I was still with my ex, I had made a trip out to visit her at her university over the weekend.
We were having lunch on a Sunday afternoon right before I was to head back to the city for a week at work.
She told me that she was sad that I was leaving.
I asked her to tell me more.
“Well,” she said, “I don’t get to be me until I see you again next weekend.”
“What do you mean you don’t get to be you?” I asked.
“Well, I’m your girlfriend. That’s who I am. And I can’t be that until we’re together again.”
“But can’t you just be who you are, as an individual in the meantime?”
“I don’t know who that is…”
I was slightly disturbed… but I just assumed this was one of those emotional things that I didn’t understand (after all, I was numb back then).
“You know,” she continued, “I had a wonderful dream last night.”
“Oh?”
“I dreamed that I melted into you and we became one person. It was so wonderful! I never had to think for myself or make a decision again.”
Is this normal?!?
I now started to feel claustrophobic. I checked the time, and I couldn’t have been more relieved that it was nearly time for me to catch the Greyhound bus back to the city.
Maybe that’s an extreme example.
But unless you are dating The Blob, your partner probably doesn’t lay in bed at night and think to themself: “You know, I just wish there was someone out there who I could absorb.”
I don’t know if I necessarily agree with this. My bf and I love spending time together. We’re inseparable and we do EVERYTHING together. We even have the tendency to finish each other’s thoughts. In other words…we do complete each other. I don’t see what’s so wrong with having a someone who lifts your spirits up when your down, who knows what to say and what to do to make you feel better. If it wasn’t for him, my life wouldn’t be as great as it is now. we’ve been together for a lil over 6 months and I can honestly say I;ve found my soulmate. Perhaps your ex jsut wasn’t the person you were suppose to be with?
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Clay Replied:
@Jackie, Thanks for your comment and thanks for reading our blog. It’s great that you’re in a relationship that brings you joy. Just be prepared for shifts to come in your relationship as time wears on. Your relationship is only 6 months old. You’re in what we call the “Blossoming” phase of a relationship.
After that, comes the “Maturing” phase, which is where a lot of couples have difficult struggles and make-or-break moments together. Because they haven’t made the appropriate actions to fully develop their own individuality, they may believe that there is something wrong with the relationship or that their partner isn’t doing their “job” because they don’t feel those butterflies anymore.
At this point a relationship can either end because of this, or the couple can transcend the problems they have and enter the “Thriving” phase of a relationship, where each person has a very mature outlook on love and their partner, but they are also deeply in love with both their life individually and with their partner.
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Mika Replied:
Hey Jackie,
There’s nothing wrong with appreciating someone who is there for you…but NEEDING them is a completely different story.
Also, the transition between the different phases in a relationship isn’t always smooth for people. The Maturing Phase can be a stark contrast from the Blossoming Phase which causes many people to put high expectations on their relationship. This is where many people lose their sense of curiosity about their partner as indifference and complacency sets in.
This is why many people who resist the changes in their relationship constantly ask themselves “What the hell happened? We used to be sooo in love.“Like what Clay mentioned, when you rely on someone to make you feel WHOLE, you’re putting a lot of pressure on someone else, which will put cracks in the foundation of ANY relationship. I’m not saying that your relationship is going to go downhill but just be aware that relationships have many phases. When you go from one phase to another, embrace the fact that you’re taking your relationship to a whole new level– which will allow even more room for growth in your relationship. Thanks for your thoughts:)
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Love the article. There is no reason to make anyone the center of your universe unless you’re 15 or have nothing better to do with your life! I was once that girl who defined myself as “the girl friend” and thought my life revolved around the relationship. It was all great until he left me for someone else. lol its times like that you realize the importance of having your own life :)
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Clay Replied:
@Rashmi, Thanks for stopping by again. Hope you’re doing well :)
I used to have all sorts of romantic notions about sacrificing myself for love back when I was a young (kind of embarrassing for a guy–probably from playing far too much Final Fantasy in high school…). But several years ago, I learned that the more you love your own life, the far better your love life will be as well.
Take Care, Rashmi!
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Mika Replied:
HA, I couldn’t help but laugh when I read your comment (thinking back to the days when I was a love obsessed 15 year old.)
In past relationships, I used to be so focused on being the best gf that I made the relationship my life. No surprise there that that relationship didn’t last. You’re completely right about the importance of having your own life. Using your relationship to define who you are as a person only paves a bumpy road for you. xx!
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I gotta admit, im guilty of this… My personality n ways of thinking n doing stuff change dramatically..we both become clingy, but I feel guilty if I dont spend all my time with her..how do I change these habits?
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Mika Replied:
Hey Mike,
Thanks for being so honest here. People become clingy when they view their partner as the only reason for their happiness. This mentality puts a lot of pressure on the relationship because at some point you stopped taking responsibility for your own happiness. The only way to overcome this mentality is figure out WHY you feel you NEED them. Are you doing it because you’re afraid that you are nothing without them? Are you afraid that if you don’t give them space, they’ll fall out of love with you and find someone else? Are you insecure or have low self-esteem/self-love? These are just a few example questions that will help you get the answers to why you’re acting so clingy in the first place. Once you have the root cause of the emotions that fuel your neediness, you can figure out a way to deal with these obstacles. It will take introspection and self-awareness to help you get to the root of what holds you back from the relationship you want. Sending positivity your way.-Mika
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WOW, I found this vie Eddie Corbano… And I went through really difficult 2 years of my 8year relationship..
And after everything, said, done…
I can say I completely agree with this..
Before, I was ‘the blob’ – and honestly…. That was I think now the biggest problem…
Now…
I am me.
And I just can’t describe in words how that feels really liberating.
I feel like I’m breathing :)
I didn’t realize it then that it was a problem. After distancing from my bf.. From everything.. Standing on my own, living on my own… Now I know what I am capable of, and really it is the best feeling anyone can have.
And our love now is starting over and with everything we have learned, I think now we are starting the real relationship, both individuals going through everything together…
I really hope we learned from our mistakes.
And I hope, this blog will help everyone going through rough times :)
So… Thanks.. And I will continue visiting :)
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Mika Replied:
Hi ZiZi,
Taking responsibility for your own happiness and actually find the love you want is so very liberating. So many people struggle with this concept and so many suffer because of it. I’m glad you and your bf are starting over:) Try to see it as a brand new and different relationship from your old one. Thanks for your comment. P.S Eddie is pretty awesome, isn’t he:) Love love his accent.
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