When it comes to relationship issues, men unfortunately have a bad reputation for being the gender that’s afraid of commitment. Either he’s not giving you the attention or affection that you want, he doesn’t talk about his feelings with you or he just isn’t ready to be in a serious relationship.
Emotionally unavailable men have been the bane of many women’s existence. Many of us (me included) have pointed our fingers at our boyfriends or husbands when it comes to relationship strife.
Believe it or not, women are just as emotionally unavailable as men.
Here are 7 signs that there is more than one emotionally unavailable person in your the relationship.
1. You’re Already in a “Relationship” with Someone Else
Now, of course, if you’re dating multiple people, you’re probably going to have a difficult time being able to bring 100% of your to your relationship with one person.
I probably don’t need to explain that.
But there are other forms of “relationships” that you can be in that can keep you from being emotionally available to someone.
For example, you might be in an unhealthy relationship with your mother, where she dictates and decides every aspect of your life from where you live, who you date, where you work, how you decorate your apartment, etc.
Or maybe you have a friend who is addicted to drama and you feel you constantly need to be there for her to prop her up emotionally when she is spiraling out of control and her whole world is crashing down on her (yet again).
It should not come as a surprise that being in a “relationship” with these sorts of people and being unable to set clear boundaries will make you a lot less available for the kind of romantic relationship that you want.
2. You Are Over-Committed to Other Things in Your Life
Are you working 80 hours per week? Pounding cappuccinos all night trying to study for that exam for school or work? Sweating it out at the gym two hours every day to stay in shape (and mitigate the damage from those holiday treats as you strive for that elusive thigh gap)? Spending too much time trying to be “super mom” that you barely have time to clip your toenails?
Maybe you’re even trying to juggle more than one of those things!
Either way, if there’s too much going on in your life right now, you don’t really have the space to have a real relationship. Successful relationships begin within each person and if you barely have the time for yourself these days, how do you find (quality) time to juggle a relationship?
Sure, our lives will ebb and flow as we go through different phases. Sometimes we’ll have a full glass. Other times, things will be more relaxed. But if your glass is in a constant state of overflow, then don’t expect there to be a lot of room in your life for a relationship to grow.
3. Your Life is Out of Control
Is your life chaotic right now?
Are you in a “nuclear cold war” with your ex-best friend? Can’t stop talking about how your boss passed you up for a promotion? Are you struggling with that new diet and it takes every ounce of willpower you have to keep yourself from going for that (second) slice of cake?
Living your life in a state of chaos, causes us to become self-centered. Caught in a chain of constantly reacting to the world around us keeps us in a defensive state which results in relationship drama and focusing primarily on what we want and what we want to avoid, thus triggering the Dirty Harriet effect.
It is difficult to welcome a loving and honest relationship into your life if you are constantly focusing on yourself and have a difficult time seeing the world from another person’s perspective.
4. You Shirk Away from Conflict
Maybe you believe (either consciously or unconsciously) that if you are pleasant and nice to be around, you can live a smooth and problem-free life (a classic Covert Contract). As long as you’re not a moment’s problem, people will like you, you’ll find love, and you’ll live happily ever after, right?
Unfortunately, that isn’t how it works.
Healthy relationships aren’t based on avoiding conflict and suppressing your emotions. They are based on honesty and transparency. Both of which may sometimes result in conflicts.
If you never give your partner the chance to really know you and experience you, then you are simply not being emotionally available to him. Is it any surprise that the emotionally available ones get frustrated and leave and all you’re left with is the guys who are closed off themselves?
5. You Have a Hard Time Committing
Do you constantly find yourself committing to going out with one friend because you’re worried that another might call to ask you to do something better?
Do you have a hard time making up your mind about what to order at a restaurant… or even which restaurant you want to go to in the first place?
Do you have a hard time committing to someone because you’re worried that someone better might come along?
It’s normal to be indecisive from time to time, but if you have a difficult time getting “all the way in” and fully committing to a lot of things in life, then why would your relationship be any different?
If you aren’t bringing 100% of yourself to your relationship, then, I’m sorry to say it, but you’re not being emotionally available to your partner. Is it any wonder that you might not be having that juicy and connected experience you really long for?
6. You’ve Lost Yourself
Another clue that you might not be emotionally available is if you are so disconnected from yourself that you don’t even know what you want or who you are anymore.
We live in a time where there is no shortage of messages in our daily life telling us who we should be… you should be thin… you’re only a success if you have a great relationship… you should be happy all the time…
There’s no shortage of these things.
Amongst it all, it’s easy to lose yourself in the fray.
If you’re so busy trying to be what you’re “supposed” to be for society, your parents, or your partner, it’s no surprise that you might lose touch with who you are as an individual.
And if you don’t even know who you are, how can you expect to be there emotionally for someone else? Before we can be emotionally available for someone else, we first need to know ourselves.
7. You Have Expectations About What a Relationship Should Be Like
Maybe you’re like Mindy Kaling in the first episode of The Mindy Project where you see a montage of her childhood spent doing nothing but watching chick flicks.
Okay, so maybe that’s a bit extreme, but still, society has a way of placing all of these ideas and expectations about what love, relationships, and marriage are supposed to be like into our minds.
Your partner should always make you happy and always know exactly what you want.
If your relationship isn’t a constant source of joy, there is something terribly wrong.
When you’re married, you should have 2.5 kids, live in the suburbs, and spend your weekends shopping for furniture.
When you are so busy having a relationship with the expectations in your mind, there’s hardly any room for you to have a relationship with the actual person who is there in front of you.
If any of the above sounds like you, do you think you’re an emotionally unavailable woman?
I’m not trying to make you feel bad or blame you but on The Path to Passion, we want to help bring awareness to the root of your relationship issues. If you have an emotionally unavailable partner, your relationship has gone stale or you and your partner can’t see eye to eye these days, you have to factor in how you contribute to the situation.
The sum of your actions and decisions make up the state of your relationship… and your life.
If any of these things sound like you, please leave a comment below telling us which one… Or do you think that any of these qualities fit someone else you might know?
Mika enjoys helping others overcome their limiting beliefs that prevent them from having the relationship they want. She is also not a fan of being tickled and hopes that one day, Clay, will finally realize that, as they have way too many tickle fights...And Mika has a not-so-secret love affair with chocolate.