[Note: In case you’re wondering, this is a follow up to this post on emotionally unavailable men]
I was an emotionally unavailable man.
I don’t consider my life to have truly began until I was 23.
Before then, I lived my life completely numb. There are a lot of childhood experiences that are responsible for that, but that (and the story of how I “woke up”) can wait for another day.
I’m telling you all this as a follow up to this post from last time.
I Was the Ghost in Our Relationship
Through some twist of fate, I somehow ended up in a relationship with my high school sweetheart. We had a seven-year relationship that had a lot of ups and downs.
Through the whole time we were together, I don’t feel like I was emotionally there for her most of the time. I can only now see that now that I’m not numb anymore.
I didn’t know how to be there.
Emotions were a strange and mysterious thing to me.
I didn’t understand them. I didn’t know how to respond to other people’s emotions–especially her’s.
Clay,
I’ve definitely never thought about the fact that i was attracting emotionally unavailable men was because I too was unavailable. This definitely makes me wonder exactly what was i unavailable about?
I wanted a relationship and was ready i just seemed to have the worse luck. I took it as the universe telling me that i wasnt ready for it.
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
This is something many people don’t really think about and are astonished when they get this realization. Next week, we’ll talk more about emotionally unavailable women and what they do that sets them up for relationship failure. Thanks for stopping by:)
[Reply]
Im one of those unavailable men who find myself falling for emotionally unavailable women. How do I “thaw” myself out n how do I know if shes emotionally unavailable or not before I step into another relationship??
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
Mike.
Thanks for your honesty. Keep your eyes out for next week’s post, we’ll be covering all that shortly:)
[Reply]
Wow you have made a really great point. I am not the most emotionally available person to people I am involved with, but I always complain about how “dry” the men I date are…. thanks for sharing
[Reply]
Clay Replied:
@KarenYvonne, Thanks for your comment. Yeah, being “all in” emotionally is definitely a challenge for a lot of people. Many of us have limiting beliefs, or past life experiences that cause us to fear being vulnerable and sharing 100% of ourselves.
I think you might like the next few posts… :)
[Reply]
Great article Clay! It’s quite possible that a person would repeat the pattern of entering into a relationship of this kind in order to have the other person mirror back what is taking place within their own life. Having said that, I don’t belief in a single template of one situation fits all. I left a long-term marriage in 2010 to a man that was totally emotionally available, only to immediately move into a relationship with a man who was hands down, not emotionally available – married. My life is about self-assessment and personal growth but I got in deep emotionally with this man and wasn’t able to see what the relationship was offering me in the way of personal growth until I moved out of this painful relationship. 1st Awareness: me not wanting to commit. I had just moved out of a long-term relationship in order to develop a deeper relationship with myself. I needed the space and freedom to do this outside of a committed relationship. 2nd Awareness: this is the big one. During my marriage I was totally and completely taken care of. My limiting beliefs weren’t challenged in a relationship that appeared and for the most part felt easy and effortless. I now realize that in order for me to grow as a person my limiting beliefs needed the opportunity to come to the surface to be acknowledged and healed. This could only happen in a relationship that challenged them – a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man was my choosing. He was a great teacher and I wouldn’t be the woman I am now without that relationship. Would I do it again – no way but did it serve me – absolutely yes.
[Reply]
This is a great article. Sadly I have just told my husband of 15 years that I do not want to be an in an emotionally unavailable marriage anymore. It was probably the most mature and honest conversation we have ever had. You asked if the “other” is in it because we are emotionally unavailable. My husband tried to allude to this and I said, “No.” I have spent the last 5 years thinking that. What I told him is that my problem was that I “hoped” things would change. In the last month I’ve completely given up hope in nearly all aspects of my life and started to make a plan. I got through with waiting for them to own their emotional unavailability. And part one of my plan is to respectfully let them know that is why I’m leaving. I love my husband and I told him all the things he did right as a parent, provider, and partner. This is one need I need to be realistic about. No final decision were made because my husband is a wonderful man and deserves time to try.
[Reply]
Very interesting. I’m ending a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man after four months because it is killing me inside, making me numb, making me feel terrible about myself. I don’t want to be emotionally unavailable. I want to be wide open for the right man. Am I right to believe that there is nothing I can do to help this man? That is my opinion and feeling on the matter. All I can do is hope he gets help.
[Reply]