What are the differences in how men and women communicate? And how can you use this sort of knowledge to have better interactions and relationships?
Today, we’re continuing on the thread from last time on the differences between men and women.
This video below came out a few months ago.
It’s pretty hilarious, but also a little bit true.
I’d wager that anyone who has ever had a relationship can relate to the video above.
Men get a rap as always trying to “fix” things.
And women tend to resist this kind of behavior, preferring instead to talk about their problems rather than find a solution.
This all ties back to the basic differences between masculine and feminine energy.
(And remember, each of us has both a masculine and feminine side to us. This is about much more than simple sex.)
The Problem with Men…
Masculine communication is about making a point. It’s about finding conclusion.
This stems from the core masculine desire for completion in life.
The masculine part of each of us has a mission or a purpose in life. It strives to fulfill that purpose and relax into the freedom that comes from giving 100% of himself to that cause.
He grows through challenge.
He wants to slay the dragon. He wants to reach the end of the long journey. He wants to reach the top of the mountain.
And on a conversational level, this is why men tend to be so outcome focused.
They live their lives driven to fulfill their purpose and that same energetic quality expresses itself in tiny day-to-day interactions.
He wants to fix the problem or reach a decision.
He often doesn’t speak or share his thoughts until after he has had the time to think through them and reach his own conclusion.
That’s why men are notoriously not as open about their emotions as their feminine counterparts. Oftentimes, they just need time to process what they are thinking and feeling and draw their own conclusions before they share.
The Problem with Women…
Feminine communication, on the other hand, is about discovering the point to be made. It’s not so much about reaching the outcome so much as it is about the process and the relationships made along the way.
This comes from the feminine’s core desire for connection.
The feminine side of us longs to feel loved, connected, and appreciated. And it strives to express that love and to give it back to the world.
She grows through praise.
She wants to feel valued. She wants to to feel heard. She wants to feel seen and appreciated.
And on a conversational level this expresses itself as more talking to express herself and to build connections with others.
She wants to feel that bond of love, knowing that she is around others who “get” her and understand her.
Often she speaks to establish that connection and to strengthen the bonds she has with others rather than to get a specific job or outcome done.
That’s why women have been scientifically shown to speak more words on a daily basis than men. The guys are silently processing their experience and forming their own opinions before they speak, while the women are talking their experiences out with the people around them to help them reach their own opinions.
The Clashing of
Of course this inherent difference causes a lot of challenges as the masculine and feminine interact with one another.
Another common frustration is when women complain to the guy in their lives.
For her, she is simply communicating how she feels. She is doing this as a way of sharing and bonding with the man.
But to him, he often feels that this kind of communication is simply adding more to his to-do list, criticizing his ability to get things done in the world.
Of course when he feels this way, the masculine’s natural instinct is to try to solve the problem. He wants to cross that thing off the to-do list so that peace and harmony will return.
But that’s not how she experiences it. She sees this has him judging her, telling her what to do. In effect, he is telling her that she isn’t okay the way she is and that she needs to do XYZ in order to be loved and accepted.
This common scenario challenges both the masculine’s core desire for completion and the feminine’s core desire for love and acceptance.
How to Overcome the Differences to Get Through to One Another
So what can we take from this? Are men and women just doomed to never fully understand one another and inadvertently hurt one another?
I don’t think so.
What both men and women can learn is to embrace one of our relationship mindset qualities that we teach in the Passion Program called Acceptance.
This is really about, stopping to check in with the person across from you. To drop in and really “get” that they are a full and complete person having their own emotional experience.
And when you do this, you’ll be able to drop the assumptions communicate better.
Instead of simply trying to solve her problems, you can ask her more conversational questions, like “How did that make you feel?” or “What was that like?” (these are my two favorite questions to ask to get a conversation going?).
This allows the masculine part of you to connect with her by encouraging her to share rather than inadvertently hurting her by trying to “solve” her.
Instead of simply starting by describing the frustrating events of your day, open the conversation with a statement like, “Hey, I don’t expect you to do anything, but I could really use someone to listen to me right now.”
This gives the masculine part in him the understanding that you’re not asking him to do anything extra or adding more to his to-do list.
Go ahead and try out one of these strategies the next time you’re interacting with your partner or meeting someone who has an opposite energy to yours.
What are your thoughts on the masculine and feminine? Leave your thoughts as a comment below.