Self-Inflicted Suffering: Waiting For Someone to Love You

Self-Inflicted Suffering: Waiting For Someone to Love You

I waited for years for him to accept me and to love me. I thought if I changed myself enough, he’d give me a chance and that he’d love me. The good thing is because of him, I learned a lot about love and life. I learned a lot of things about myself. I learned to accept myself and love myself. Because of him I grew a lot as a person. And as a result I came to see that this wasn’t the best relationship for me.

I guess deep down I always knew, I was too afraid to admit it because I didn’t want to lose him. But one day it just clicked– I knew I was waiting for someone that would never accept me nor love me.

I had wasted so much of my time and energy fretting on the one thing I couldn’t change… his mind.

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How to Be Attractive to Men You Like (It’s About More Than Your Looks)

How to Be Attractive to Men You Like (It’s About More Than Your Looks)

In another article we went over getting clear on the type of man you’re looking for.

And doing that alone can help you have a much easier time finding the kind of guy you’re looking for.

However, that’s really only half of the equation.

Some women believe that they only need to be physically attractive in order to get the guy.

But that’s not true.

It’s only partially true.

Sure being good looking is a great thing to have going for you, but don’t think that’s all you need.

You can get pretty far with good looks, but you aren’t going to be able to KEEP a guy interested if there isn’t anything there under the surface.

Only the most desperate guys will want to stick around with a woman who doesn’t do anything for them emotionally or intellectually, even if she is the best looking woman around.

Okay, so that’s pretty obvious stuff.

Heck, you’ve probably been told that ever since you were a little girl.

But as trite as that sounds it’s true.

What do you DO with it though?

Well, let’s go back to our 5 by 5 list. What are the qualities of the Right Men for you?

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Men Aren’t That Complicated

Men Aren’t That Complicated

men aren't complicatedMen aren’t that complicated.

I know that it may SEEM that way.

And there is not shortage of “those” websites out there on the internet that are trying to sell you some way to “translate” (or is it “man-slate”?) guy talk into English.

…But really we aren’t that complicated.

I promise we’re not!

Sure, we’re human, and we have all the emotional experiences that humans have.

  • We cry when a loved one dies.
  • We worry about the future.
  • We like sleeping in on weekends.

It might seem a little bit simplistic, but at the end of the day… (more…)

How to Stop Being a Victim and Take Control of Your Life

How to Stop Being a Victim and Take Control of Your Life

“Perfect moments are more often made than they are found”–Anonymous 

victimYou’re human. Life happens. Your emotions will ebb and flow. You’ve probably all heard this before, right?

However some people take this attitude to a whole new level—The Victim Mentality Level

First, let’s clarify what a person with Victim Mentality looks like.

  • Feeling powerless and does not take action at resolving their situation.
  • Constantly thinking about what is wrong rather than what is going well in their life.
  • Blaming others for their unhappiness.

Do you know someone who has the “The-world-is-against-me-attitude”?

Perhaps it’s your mother or father, one of your of siblings or a close friend…or maybe it’s even you that struggle with this. How does having this kind of attitude towards life actually affect you? (more…)

People Pleasers and the Bankrupt Game of Covert Contracts

People Pleasers and the Bankrupt Game of Covert Contracts

smileToday I want to talk about People Pleasers.

What’s wrong with People Pleasers?

I mean isn’t bringing joy to others and serving the world the key to a fulfilling life?

Yes, but it all comes down to your motivation behind doing so.

If you are motivated by wellspring of love in your heart that overflows from a place of pure abundance, then you are doing it for the right reason.

If you are afraid of rocking the boat or deeply terrified that if you don’t live up to someone else’s expectations, then they will leave you, then you are doing it for the wrong reason.

Of course, this has a lot to do with boundaries and expectations.

But it also has a lot to do with the belief that your relationship is built on a shaky foundation, and you’d better fall in line or else that relationship is going to disappear.

Being a People Pleaser really comes from a perceived place of disempowerment and insecurity(is a relationship really supposed to be about power struggles and control?).

And situations like this are often laced with Covert Contracts.

Losing Yourself in a Relationship and the Myth of Completing One Another

Losing Yourself in a Relationship and the Myth of Completing One Another

Continuing on our journey through things that might not make you “relationship material,” we’re next going to touch down on when you lose yourself in a relationship and put the other person’s needs in front of your own.

Now, you may be familiar with the label we give men who do this… “Nice Guys.”

I used to be one of them.

But this is also very common in women too. I guess society just thinks it’s normal for a woman to give and give (and give some more) without taking care of herself, so a lot of people don’t really say much about it.

Whether you are a man or a woman, I believe that society is reaching a point where both genders feel the need to either be Nice Guys or Nice Girls.

The Result Is That We Often Lose Focus with Who We Are

We spend so much time reacting to other people and anticipating what they want that we’re left feeling uncertain about who we are and what we should do when we get a moment to ourselves.

Otherwise why would books like this exist? This book might as well have been called “How to Tell if You’re Completely Detached from Your Own Identity (And How to Quietly Distract Yourself from the Slow Death of Your Soul).

Here’s something a bit more personal…

Back when I was still with my ex, I had made a trip out to visit her at her university over the weekend.

We were having lunch on a Sunday afternoon right before I was to head back to the city for a week at work.

She told me that she was sad that I was leaving.

I asked her to tell me more.

“Well,” she said, “I don’t get to be me until I see you again next weekend.”

“What do you mean you don’t get to be you?” I asked.

“Well, I’m your girlfriend. That’s who I am. And I can’t be that until we’re together again.”

“But can’t you just be who you are, as an individual in the meantime?”

“I don’t know who that is…”

I was slightly disturbed… but I just assumed this was one of those emotional things that I didn’t understand (after all, I was numb back then).

“You know,” she continued, “I had a wonderful dream last night.”

“Oh?”

“I dreamed that I melted into you and we became one person. It was so wonderful! I never had to think for myself or make a decision again.”

Is this normal?!?

I now started to feel claustrophobic. I checked the time, and I couldn’t have been more relieved that it was nearly time for me to catch the Greyhound bus back to the city.

Maybe that’s an extreme example.

But unless you are dating The Blob, your partner probably doesn’t lay in bed at night and think to themself: “You know, I just wish there was someone out there who I could absorb.”

How to Tell if You Are an Emotionally Unavailable Woman

How to Tell if You Are an Emotionally Unavailable Woman

In the last couple posts, Clay confessed he used to be an emotionally unavailable man and wrote about the 7 signs of an emotionally unavailable man.

When it comes to relationship issues, men unfortunately have a bad reputation for being the gender that’s afraid of commitment. Either he’s not giving you the attention or affection that you want, he doesn’t talk about his feelings with you or he just isn’t ready to be in a serious relationship.

Emotionally unavailable men have been the bane of many women’s existence. Many of us (me included) have pointed our fingers at our boyfriends or husbands when it comes to relationship strife.

Believe it or not, women are just as emotionally unavailable as men.

Here are 7 signs that there is more than one emotionally unavailable person in your the relationship.

1. You’re Already in a “Relationship” with Someone Else

Now, of course, if you’re dating multiple people, you’re probably going to have a difficult time being able to bring 100% of your to your relationship with one person.

I probably don’t need to explain that.

But there are other forms of “relationships” that you can be in that can keep you from being emotionally available to someone.

For example, you might be in an unhealthy relationship with your mother, where she dictates and decides every aspect of your life from where you live, who you date, where you work, how you decorate your apartment, etc.

Or maybe you have a friend who is addicted to drama and you feel you constantly need to be there for her to prop her up emotionally when she is spiraling out of control and her whole world is crashing down on her (yet again).

It should not come as a surprise that being in a “relationship” with these sorts of people and being unable to set clear boundaries will make you a lot less available for the kind of romantic relationship that you want.

2. You Are Over-Committed to Other Things in Your Life

Are you working 80 hours per week? Pounding cappuccinos all night trying to study for that exam for school or work? Sweating it out at the gym two hours every day to stay in shape (and mitigate the damage from those holiday treats as you strive for that elusive thigh gap)? Spending too much time trying to be “super mom” that you barely have time to clip your toenails?

Maybe you’re even trying to juggle more than one of those things!

Either way, if there’s too much going on in your life right now, you don’t really have the space to have a real relationship. Successful relationships begin within each person and if you barely have the time for yourself these days, how do you find (quality) time to juggle a relationship?

Sure, our lives will ebb and flow as we go through different phases. Sometimes we’ll have a full glass. Other times, things will be more relaxed. But if your glass is in a constant state of overflow, then don’t expect there to be a lot of room in your life for a relationship to grow.

3. Your Life is Out of Control

Is your life chaotic right now?

Are you in a “nuclear cold war” with your ex-best friend? Can’t stop talking about how your boss passed you up for a promotion? Are you struggling with that new diet and it takes every ounce of willpower you have to keep yourself from going for that (second) slice of cake?

Living your life in a state of chaos, causes us to become self-centered. Caught in a chain of constantly reacting to the world around us keeps us in a defensive state which results in relationship drama and focusing primarily on what we want and what we want to avoid, thus triggering the Dirty Harriet effect.

It is difficult to welcome a loving and honest relationship into your life if you are constantly focusing on yourself and have a difficult time seeing the world from another person’s perspective.

4. You Shirk Away from Conflict

Maybe you believe (either consciously or unconsciously) that if you are pleasant and nice to be around, you can live a smooth and problem-free life (a classic Covert Contract). As long as you’re not a moment’s problem, people will like you, you’ll find love, and you’ll live happily ever after, right?

Unfortunately, that isn’t how it works.

Healthy relationships aren’t based on avoiding conflict and suppressing your emotions. They are based on honesty and transparency. Both of which may sometimes result in conflicts.

If you never give your partner the chance to really know you and experience you, then you are simply not being emotionally available to him. Is it any surprise that the emotionally available ones get frustrated and leave and all you’re left with is the guys who are closed off themselves?

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