How to Stop Being a Victim and Take Control of Your Life

How to Stop Being a Victim and Take Control of Your Life

“Perfect moments are more often made than they are found”–Anonymous 

victimYou’re human. Life happens. Your emotions will ebb and flow. You’ve probably all heard this before, right?

However some people take this attitude to a whole new level—The Victim Mentality Level

First, let’s clarify what a person with Victim Mentality looks like.

  • Feeling powerless and does not take action at resolving their situation.
  • Constantly thinking about what is wrong rather than what is going well in their life.
  • Blaming others for their unhappiness.

Do you know someone who has the “The-world-is-against-me-attitude”?

Perhaps it’s your mother or father, one of your of siblings or a close friend…or maybe it’s even you that struggle with this. How does having this kind of attitude towards life actually affect you? (more…)

People Pleasers and the Bankrupt Game of Covert Contracts

People Pleasers and the Bankrupt Game of Covert Contracts

smileToday I want to talk about People Pleasers.

What’s wrong with People Pleasers?

I mean isn’t bringing joy to others and serving the world the key to a fulfilling life?

Yes, but it all comes down to your motivation behind doing so.

If you are motivated by wellspring of love in your heart that overflows from a place of pure abundance, then you are doing it for the right reason.

If you are afraid of rocking the boat or deeply terrified that if you don’t live up to someone else’s expectations, then they will leave you, then you are doing it for the wrong reason.

Of course, this has a lot to do with boundaries and expectations.

But it also has a lot to do with the belief that your relationship is built on a shaky foundation, and you’d better fall in line or else that relationship is going to disappear.

Being a People Pleaser really comes from a perceived place of disempowerment and insecurity(is a relationship really supposed to be about power struggles and control?).

And situations like this are often laced with Covert Contracts.

Losing Yourself in a Relationship and the Myth of Completing One Another

Losing Yourself in a Relationship and the Myth of Completing One Another

Continuing on our journey through things that might not make you “relationship material,” we’re next going to touch down on when you lose yourself in a relationship and put the other person’s needs in front of your own.

Now, you may be familiar with the label we give men who do this… “Nice Guys.”

I used to be one of them.

But this is also very common in women too. I guess society just thinks it’s normal for a woman to give and give (and give some more) without taking care of herself, so a lot of people don’t really say much about it.

Whether you are a man or a woman, I believe that society is reaching a point where both genders feel the need to either be Nice Guys or Nice Girls.

The Result Is That We Often Lose Focus with Who We Are

We spend so much time reacting to other people and anticipating what they want that we’re left feeling uncertain about who we are and what we should do when we get a moment to ourselves.

Otherwise why would books like this exist? This book might as well have been called “How to Tell if You’re Completely Detached from Your Own Identity (And How to Quietly Distract Yourself from the Slow Death of Your Soul).

Here’s something a bit more personal…

Back when I was still with my ex, I had made a trip out to visit her at her university over the weekend.

We were having lunch on a Sunday afternoon right before I was to head back to the city for a week at work.

She told me that she was sad that I was leaving.

I asked her to tell me more.

“Well,” she said, “I don’t get to be me until I see you again next weekend.”

“What do you mean you don’t get to be you?” I asked.

“Well, I’m your girlfriend. That’s who I am. And I can’t be that until we’re together again.”

“But can’t you just be who you are, as an individual in the meantime?”

“I don’t know who that is…”

I was slightly disturbed… but I just assumed this was one of those emotional things that I didn’t understand (after all, I was numb back then).

“You know,” she continued, “I had a wonderful dream last night.”

“Oh?”

“I dreamed that I melted into you and we became one person. It was so wonderful! I never had to think for myself or make a decision again.”

Is this normal?!?

I now started to feel claustrophobic. I checked the time, and I couldn’t have been more relieved that it was nearly time for me to catch the Greyhound bus back to the city.

Maybe that’s an extreme example.

But unless you are dating The Blob, your partner probably doesn’t lay in bed at night and think to themself: “You know, I just wish there was someone out there who I could absorb.”

One Choice That Almost Cost Me My Life

One Choice That Almost Cost Me My Life

Hey there. This is Mika and today I want to share something a little different.

Last weekend was my birthday and it made me really take a moment to look back over the past year and really reflect.

I’d like to share a little story with you that is a little revealing, and I’m actually a bit apprehensive about sharing this.

It covers a period where I almost gave up on The Path to Passion and even considered leaving Clay.

But maybe I’m getting a little ahead of myself.

You see, while I was looking back over the past year on my birthday, I was thinking about how important self-love is.

In fact, I’m making the next four weeks all about self-love here on The Path to Passion (You’re welcome to join me, if you want to!).

For this to all make sense though, let me tell you a story.

For those who don’t know, Clay and I run an online business together and about a year ago, I got a side job to help pay for bills.

Before the Passion Program really took off at that time, our blog wasn’t making any money and times were really tough.

So I went back to my old career. The one I had before Clay and I left for Thailand.

Make Self-Love Automatic: 3 Ways to Start Loving Yourself Today

Make Self-Love Automatic: 3 Ways to Start Loving Yourself Today

Clay and I want to help you EMPOWER yourself to change your love life. Whether your relationship is hanging on by a single thread or you’re in a bad situation you can’t get out of…we want to create a safe space for you to better cope  with the bad moments in your love life.

One of our readers wrote in and asked us a question that I think a lot of people can relate to.

(By the way: If haven’t written back to your email, don’t take it personally, sometimes looking at my inbox can be overwhelming. But I pinky promise I’ll write back.)

Our reader wrote in:

I want to have a loving relationship with myself and my partner and not always feel like everything external, outside of myself has to make me happy. I know that this does not work but I really want to experience internal love and joy with myself but don’t know how to get there.

She knows what major obstacle is but she just doesn’t know how to LOVE herself enough to empower change within her relationship.

If you’re in a dark place in your relationship, here are few things that will help you jump start self-love so that you can improve your relationship.

1. Your Relationship Lives and Dies By What You Choose to Do NOW

Think about. What happened in the past does not have anything to do with where your relationship is going NOW. Unless you have a big shiny time machine you’re holding out on me, there’s nothing you can do to change the past.

Forget about the past.

Forget about the future.

Just focus on right now.

You’ll feel negative emotions like resentment, bitterness, and sadness whenever you’re stuck in the past.

You can’t undo what your partner said or didn’t say.
You can’t undo the pain of a shattered broken heart from your previous relationship.
You can’t undo the huge argument you had with your partner last night.

Might as well move forward, right?

You also feel anxiety, jealousy and fear when you worry about the future.

What if my partner will eventually realize it’s not me they want?
What if this relationship will end up like my last one?
What if I’m not good enough to make this work?

(A side note about jealousy: Your fears will fuel your jealousy but being out of the present moment will only fan the flames of your fears.)

You’re creating suffering and pain over something that did NOT HAPPEN.


2.YOU Create Your Own Suffering.

You’re probably tired of me repeating this in every post but it’s just too damn relevant to ALL BAD FEELINGS.

Some people subconsciously make themselves feel bad. Many times, people can’t help but automatically think about what they don’t want to happen.

Here’s an example from the other day.

I was in a rotten mood and Clay was trying his best to cheer me up.

I told him,“YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!”

Clay said, “Oh yeah! I forgot, no one wants to feel better!”

I busted out laughing.

I was subconsciously choosing to stay in my bad mood!

See? Even I forget my own advice sometimes. If only I learned this before I went through my desperate spiral.

As an act of self-preservation, people have the tendency to focus on what they don’t want to happen. If they focus on what they don’t want, they’re trying to mentally prepare themselves.

Instead, they create self-fulfilling prophecies.

No wonder these people always have SOMETHING to complain about… they subconsciously find a way to close themselves off just to prove their limiting beliefs are true!

Last but definitely not least…


3. Be Kind to Yourself

Ever struggled to ACCEPT a compliment and really acknowledge it? I mean really feel it all the way to your toes that you are amazing?

You can have a thousand compliments a day but if one person said something negative, you’d probably focus on that ONE thing and take it to heart…all day long.

Your biggest critic is yourself!

To be at peace with yourself you need to be KINDER TO YOURSELF.

Forgive your mistakes and ASPIRE to positivity as you focus on what you WANT instead of dwelling on what can’t be undone.

Your inner critic of yours (also known as Dirty Harriet/Harry) is the only voice that feeds you BS thoughts like, “Oh, I’m not good enough.

You will never get the love you want unless you are truly at peace with yourself.

It will take time to undo the cycle of your self-destructive thought patterns.

As long as you let go of the past, stop worrying about the future and to be KINDER TO YOURSELF… you will be well on your way to getting the love you want.

You are loved,

Mika

PS: Clay and I have been working with people learn how to love themselves at the depths of their core, thus transforming  their relationship.

If you’re losing much needed sleep at night because you’re riddled with relationship problems and you want to learn how to laugh and connect with your partner again (just like the old days), be sure to check out the Passion Program.

photo credit: Sean Molin Photography via photopin cc