I can’t help but want to shake (in a loving fashion of course) people who email me and tell me how they struggle with being friends with an ex–just to get them back.

If you’re having a tough time dealing with the breakup… there’s no question about that your heart is tattered. You’re broken. You’ve spent the last few weeks sucking in air between your two front teeth just to keep yourself from falling into a dark abyss of another cry attack.

You can’t eat. You can’t drink. You feel like you’re just a small a fragment of the person you thought you once were. Your world is completely turned upside down. My heart truly goes out to you.

Does coping with a breakup when you and your ex remain friends impossible? Well… to be honest, it’s next to impossible.

Why?

I know it feels counter-intuitive to not pick up the phone when your ex calls or answer a text message asking you to meet up.

I mean…Heck, you want them back and if they show any interest in you even after the fact they broke up with you… THEN THIS IS YOUR CHANCE IN GETTING THEM BACK, RIGHT?!

… um… Wrong.

What you do after a breakup will either put nail the coffin shut on of your once wonderful relationship or help you and your ex work together to rebuild and strengthen a new relationship. Being friends with an ex so soon after a breakup makes it so much tougher to get them back.

Your ex initially broke up with you for their own reasons. Regardless of how much you wish you can change their mind, trying to convince them that they made a mistake or that you’ll change your ways is futile (because when it comes down to it, the only person whose feelings you have any control over is yourself).

This is when some people may decide to use the backdoor of being friends with their ex to win them back. This method is essentially people trying to manipulate their ex into falling back in love with them.

Here are three reasons why being friends with an ex will do more damage than good.

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About The Author

Mika

Mika enjoys helping others overcome their limiting beliefs that prevent them from having the relationship they want. She is also not a fan of being tickled and hopes that one day, Clay, will finally realize that, as they have way too many tickle fights...And Mika has a not-so-secret love affair with chocolate.

53 Responses to Good Idea or Bad Idea? Being Friends With An Ex

  1. Rashmi says:

    Good Stuff Mika :)

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    Thanks, Rashmi
    Hope you’re doing well:)

    [Reply]

  2. Maria says:

    That’s very familiar. I tried to be friends with my ex few months after the break up and tried to convince myself it was not to have him back. I was lying to myself and it interfered me to move on. In fact, I didn’t move on until I stopped trying to keep in touch with him. I agree with you in the reasons and consequences of being friends with an ex right after the end of the relationship.
    However, after the healing time, I am friends with him. Time has passed and I see him as a friend, not close friend, but someone familiar, we know very well each other and it’s easy now to be friends.

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    Maria,
    Being friends with an ex when you haven’t moved on from loving him is so hard. I know there are a lot of people who try to convince themselves that they are over their ex but in fact aren’t–and they discover that the hard way. But yes, I definitely agree that once time has passed and you’ve had a lot of time to heal from the break up, it is quite possible to be friends again. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Maria:)

    [Reply]

  3. swandame says:

    I had a child with a man who had pursued me for three years even though he was married. I gave in for one weekend because I was tired of being lonely and it just seemed easier – I was extremely depressed by then but flaming out in forced gaiety. I fell pregnant on the weekend and (I know this sounds stupid but I had not had a period for two years when this happened due to medication I was on and should not have been ovulating) did not notice until it was too late. I was also very old and quite frankly just wanted a baby badly so unconciously I probably did set it up – but was really not aware of what was happening consciously. I was teaching about 450 kids at the time every week – I had 14 separate classes and 5 different syllabuses and I had never taught before. I should have kept it a secret and walked away but teachers get paid very badly where I live and I was scared and so I contacted him. He asked me to be his secret mistress but I could not face keeping my child secret and being under his control. It had been bad enough up until then. So I told his wife and did not see him for 3 years except to have genetic tests done and get the maintenance sorted out. All good and well, we were managing it was hard but we were blessed with friends and love and we made it. And then his wife chucked him out and he came straight to me and three years later I started paying for my sins big time. Since then, my daughter is now seven, I get recurrent abusive phone calls from his wife (I just put the phone on the table and let her rave on, I have apologised until I am blue in the face but she can’t forgive me – would you?) and recurrent episodes where he starts up innocuous sounding lets be friends chats (which mean she is being a shit again) and I feel like I am caught in an endless web of comings and goings that have never had anything to do with me. They need a football to articulate their marriage and I am it! I get better the longer I don’t hear from them but just as I am about to turn the corner and get away it all starts up again – sorry to go about this. The trick is everyone says I must stay in touch because now my daughter knows him and loves him even if she hardly gets to see him, I owe her. But I have begun to think I owe her a happy mummy more. I am depressed, angry, suicidal every time it starts up again – I want to destroy myself for being so stupid – I knew at the time I should not go but I did. My daughter is such a wonderful child I want to just finally say you know what **Ck it I had you and I love you and I enjoy our lives together and NEVER EVER EVER have to see that man again. And then she has no father! I have never been able to date or be with another man since him – the is never really enough time to get better besides which I never go out at all unless she is with me and I have a really bad attitude to men so whatever. I don’t care but I don’t know if I am brave enough to deny her what little father she has for my own mental health. I never even was able to establish if I loved him!

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    Sounds like things have been really tough for you. Keep in mind that the past is the past. The more you beat yourself up over what you did or what happened, the more you’re going too struggle on taking you and your daughter’s life in a forward direction. Forgive yourself. Is this man a good father to your daughter? Does he acknowledge her as his own? Do they already have a good relationship? If he show signs of being a good father who wants to play a role in his daughter’s life, I would give him a chance to do so. Yes, he may suck as a husband or a lover, but for your daughter’s sake, if he can be a good father to her, than let him.

    However, if he isn’t reliable or struggles playing the father role, for your daughter’s best interest, it may be a good idea to break contact until he’s ready to be a good father. Also, if you’re tired of being in the middle of him and his wife– walk away (you have ever right and power to do so). Create and define the boundaries on what kind of behaviors you’ll tolerate from people. Yes, this won’t be easy but being caught in the middle sounds more difficult. You’re daughter can have a father without you being emotionally attached to someone who you know will only break your heart and lacks commitment to being in a relationship (hence his cheating ways).

    Your #1 priority right now is your daughter. If he wants to be a good father and shows signs he can follow through… allow that to be. But if he’s detrimental to your mental health and your daughter’s… then I would cut your losses. I personally think that not having a father growing up is a lot better than having a bad father growing up. Just my thoughts. Thanks for stopping by:)

    [Reply]

  4. swandame says:

    sorry for going on a bit!

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    No problem, that’s what I’m here for. xx! Mika

    [Reply]

  5. karen says:

    Because if my financial situation, I have remained close friends w my ex. He has helped me more than my family. I love being. around him, of course I am in love w him. It gets harder though instead of easier. My heart breaks when I know he is going on a date. I have been out w friends but no dates yet. It has been 6 months since the breakup and it seems to be getting harder. I miss him every day! I can say that I have taken the time to find myself again & I am not chasing him but I wait to hear the I miss you or ask me if I wanna go do something. It is pathetic but I am afraid he will forget me if I totally disappear.

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    It’s a natural response many people have when they fear the one they love will forget them–hold on as much as they can. It sounds like you haven’t had time to really “get over” the breakup. He’s dating other people and still gets the benefit of having you in his life– what a lucky man. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through:( It sounds like you would rather have pieces of him than none at all…a big indicator you’re coming from a place of need rather then want. Remember when you and him first started dating? You only wanted to be with him. Later down the road, that kind of want turned into a “need” where your whole emotional well being relied on him to make you feel good. Depending on the health of someone’s mindset, the desire for their partner can go from want to need really quick, which usually stresses out the relationship even more.

    My advice if you really want him back is to allow him to experience what it really feels like not having you in his life. Right now, you’re not giving him the consequences of the breakup which makes it really hard for him to fathom life without you. This also lets him know that he’ll always have someone on the back burner when he ever feels lonely (do you really want that role?). Whatever happens, I hope you know that you are soooooo worth the love and relationship you want. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Much love to you. –Mika

    [Reply]

  6. Julie says:

    Ah, Mika, I’m so happy I found your site via another site (thinksimplenow). I’ve been going through an emotional mess, debating if and how I should end my two-year relationship. I love/hate the man so much. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy in many ways but we’re both emotionally messed up and finding it hard to meet each other’s needs. It’s so hard to explain. I’m going to spend my evening on your blog later. :D

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    Oh Julie!

    Clay & I LOVE getting to know our readers! So glad you reached out.

    This blog is the makeup of both of our own mindset that’s really helped us overcome the pain and tribulations of past broken relationships.
    If there are certain relationship topics you would love us to write about, let me know– I’m always open to blog post ideas:)

    [Reply]

  7. As I am in this boat currently, I definitely can identify with the post!

    What a fun blog, guys! I look forward to getting a chance to further explore it.

    -Andi

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    Andi,

    Thanks for stopping by! Your travel blog looks just as fun:)

    [Reply]

  8. yara says:

    Thankyou for the article. I am going through a very difficult time.
    I met an amazing man just after I ended an engagement. I was weak and vulnerable and thought he was amazing but I was just not ready for comitment though we were intimate. Eventually I gave in to be with him and he kept on blaming me for my past mistakes and the way I treated him when I wasn’t ready. He kept on breaking up with me. Eventually he lost his job and I was there for him and helped him find a new job. He got his confidence back and starting enjoying time with his friends and not me. We were still intimate. The past week he has rejected and abandoned me. Said we can’t be together and it will never work. I went to surprise him at home to give him a christmas gift and wanted to take him to the airport. He said I was acting like a psycho and stalker. I know deep down I know this relationship was not good. I thought he was my prince charming in the beginning. How do I move on now?

    [Reply]

  9. Michael says:

    Hi Mika my advise is never be friends with your ex. My EX because she wont leave the house and i cant because i have to take care of my 4 kids is because everytime her phone rings and it guy it really is pain full we have been married for 22 years and i know i still love her but i will never forgiver her or be able to trust her again because this is the second time so i really just have to deal with for the sake of my kids thanks for everything you guys do.

    [Reply]

  10. Deb Holloway says:

    I agree totally with your blog. It is the same as other friends have said to me. However, we have been each others rock, emotionally, financially and everything else for 13 years. We were best friends, married for almost 10years and most importantly have 3 beautiful boys together.
    He works away for 2 weeks and is home for 1 week. He rings them most days and we need to talk about them, and the house we still own together.
    Letting go of his friendship as well is almost a little more than i think i can bear. I have lost a few friends already throughout the separation process, as sometimes happens. We have already almost torn each other apart emotionally during the past 7 months because of the hurt and pain etc. He has also been living in the house with us for most of that time. He only just moved out 2 weeks ago.
    This is a very difficult concept to me and really not sure how to handle it.
    Deb

    [Reply]

  11. Lethu says:

    Oh wow, this post was made for me. I decided to be friends with m ex cos I didn’t want to look too hurt by the break-up, and I’m generally not the confrontational, shouty type. I definitely identify with the part about trying too hard to look like I’ve moved on and am enjoying life, just so he can see I’m doing great without him. I do want to keep him as a friend cos we really get along and can talk to each other, but right now it’s tough cos we always fall into that grey area. I want to know how to delete him without it being awkward when I bump into him (we’re part of the same group of friends). Do I talk to him about deleting him beforehand, or do I just do it without explaining to him?

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    If you guys hang in the same group of friends,in a respectful manner, do your best to limit that emotional connection you once had with him. This is where the boundaries you create is a key element to prevent from stepping into that grey area. When you say delete, are you referring to cutting him off? If that’s the case, you can just treat him like you would with someone you’ve just met, polite, respectful but not giving him the same benefit of emotional intimacy and connection he once shared with you.

    [Reply]

  12. Victoria says:

    I wish I had read this a long time ago… My ex left me, over the phone in the middle of an argument no less, and I haven’t seen him since. I spent WEEKS begging then trying to be pals then begging again. I can’t seem to let it go. He will randomly contact me just to goof around (still won’t see me). I don’t understand how it’s so easy for him to not only have moved on so quick but to be my friend after ‘loving’ me so much. He’s been ‘so happy’ since the day he left and now he seems al into this new girl. Why contact me at all? Please knock some sense into me!

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    Hey Victoria,

    I’m sorry for what you went through. I know it’s counter-intuitive to not contact the person who broke up with us but it’s actually more damaging—>here’s more info on Active No Contact plus a lil freebie we have for people going through a breakup.

    It sounds like he’s in a constant state of rebound relationships. Rebound relationships rarely ever work because your ex hasn’t fully allowed himself to heal from the pain of your breakup, he’s suppressed all his emotions and used external stimulants like other women to feel good about himself.Eventually his pain will resurface which will add stress to his new relationship. Also, you’re making the assumption that he is 100% happy… it sounds to me that he truly is hurting inside but chooses to ignore his emotions from the breakup and rather numb himself than experience his pain–this is NOT happy and breakups will be a constant patterns for him if he doesn’t look WITHIN to heal from all this.

    [Reply]

  13. Victoria says:

    To clarify… he is officially in a new relationship as of V-Day after unofficially dating this girl for 2ish weeks… We broke up on December 30th. He told me prior that he needed to let his feelings for me fade so he didn’t mess up future relationships.. guess this means they’re pretty faded, huh?

    [Reply]

  14. Arjun Sharma says:

    Can you kindly write something on how to save a long distance relationship? When do you realize you cannot save it? when do you realize you cannot have reconciliation & reunion?

    [Reply]

  15. Michelle says:

    I 100% agree. There are too many people who either try to rush back into a relationship with their ex or worse, they rush into a (rebound) relationship with someone else. With either of those scenarios (With ex or rebound) it will usually result in failure if you haven’t yet learned how to be happy with just you and without them.

    It’s been about a month since I last spoke to my ex (and that was because I ran into him, not by my choice.) I still don’t feel emotionally strong enough to really even talk to him at this point. I’ve always been fortunate to know myself and what I can handle. Eventually the day will come where I can attempt being friends with him. I know I am currently not ready. You have to be really honest with yourself and know that being friends (or them rejecting your desire to be friends) will not result in more emotional turmoil for you.

    [Reply]

  16. Anabella says:

    Hello. I can definitely relate. I was married to the love of my life for 11 years. We have two children that are 5. He decided to leave in 2009 and have been divorced now for a little over a year. I still love him and have forgiven him. I know he is unhappy, but he is living with the woman that befriended him and caused a gap in our relationship, a gap that I never realized was there at the mine. I was willing to work for it but he decided otherwise. I really would love some advice. The contact rule never worked because we have children together. Just wanted to know what I should do. The attraction to the other woman was not physical. She definitely was manipulative. What should I do ? Thank you very much for this blog. I sppreciate any input.

    [Reply]

  17. james antram says:

    My ex and i broke up twice. The first time was mutual, like for real. We stayed friends kinda. It was hard not to, i saw her at school everyday and we had classes together. She started dating someone like a week after we broke up. She, like many girls has low self esteem and always needs to be with someone. I really don’t know what i did to get back together. I kept contact with her and did everything wrong. I guess i got lucky xD we got back together on Easter about a month and a half after splitting

    [Reply]

  18. Gerald noket says:

    I just wanted to say thank you so much for everything you both have done for me. My ex and engage been broken up for two months.. and now we are just talking, just about things she’s doing and hot really talking about getting back together.IM kinda confused. But IM NJ it really in a rush to get back with her… Is that wrong to feel this way?

    [Reply]

  19. Wolf says:

    i completely support this theory..never be friends with an ex if its about getting them back..we need to heal and get over them..and be the person we were when we first met them to attract them again…and that can be only done as you told..without any attachment to the outcome..

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    Hey Wolf,

    I really appreciate your thoughts. You’re right, self-healing should be the #1 agenda after a breakup so that you can stand head and shoulders above the person your ex broke up with, thus making room to create a new and better relationship from scratch!

    [Reply]

  20. Jackie says:

    This article is the best advice, I recommend going straight into no contact, which I didn’t as didn’t have the strength, tried the friends route as my ex was so adamant that’s what he wanted, it’s all rubbish, they don’t want to let go and use you until they’re ready. I got a drunk text saying he thought about me and it was hard and wanted to talk, only the next day seemed to think I should have realised he was drunk and he didn’t mean any of it. I am left feeling very angry, but continue to try to find happiness being single, which a lot of the time isn’t hard, there’s lots to make me happy, but it’s taught me one thing, he is one of the main causes of my unhappiness and I now vow to cut him out my life, there is no point in friendship, they are playing with your emotions so don’t let that happen !!

    [Reply]

  21. Geri says:

    I live next door to a man I had a “friendship” with for about a year. His son and my grandchildren are friends and go to the same school. We got to know each other by just talking when we saw each other outside our homes and running into each other at school, etc. He began dropping by unexpectedly and we would just talk and hang out. It seemed like he was at my house a lot. I never had any real feelings for him except some occasional fantasies of “what if we got together kind of thing”. I didn’t know how he felt about me. We never talked about that, just about the and stuff in general. I felt really lucky that I had a friend to talk to and a companion too. We had several “group” dates that involved the kids and he was just around a lot. I got really used to the company and did start having some feelings for him but I was afraid to let them be known. So I may have begun to act a little differently. But he showed some affection for me as well. I didn’t just imagine it. He started hugging me when he was leaving each time he was at my house or if we went for a walk. He even invited me over for dinner when he had company once. and he went to my Dad’s funeral and was so supportive. He was getting to be a kind of permanent fixture. He invited me to his company Christmas party. We went and I thought had a great time. When he brought me home he seemed to rush off though
    and I didn’t invite him in but I did kiss him goodnight which I had never done before. It was just a smack and I or he didn’t make a big deal about it although I thought about it constantly afterwards because I was afraid I had stepped over that imaginary line and now he was scared of me. He didn’t seem to act like it though. Then he even called me from a trip he was on to wish me a happy valentines day. Then the last of March he tells me he’s going to start dating someone a friend had introduced him to and he hoped we could still be friends because he thought a lot of me and respected me and felt I was like “family”.I was crushed but acted like it didn’t matter, even encouraged him to go ahead. But a week later after I couldn’t eat or sleep I showed my feelings and hate that I did. I try to remain friendly but I’m dying inside as I watch him come and go by my house and even have his new girlfriend over. I don’t know how much more I can stand. I obsess over him and watch his house constantly. Other than move I don’t know what to do.
    Can you give me some advice?

    [Reply]

  22. Manoj says:

    Honestly, I love this article because not too long ago I wrote my ex a letter about how I felt in a relationship with her and how she wasn’t fair about breaking up with me… Like she could’ve totally been an adult about the break up and I wouldn’t mind being friends with her. But when she started saying that it is too soon to be friends and I’m not ready its because she still have feelings for me that she trying to suppress but either way I totally agree…you gotta heal from the break up to even start fresh with an ex or the new person. Every now and then l texted her if I heard something cool happened in her life but I stopped because if she is not sharing that with me, why am I going out of my way to congratulate her and all that. Maybe I have a wrong approach, please let me know. But you guys are doing awesome job!

    [Reply]

  23. Tammy says:

    I read the other day you shouldn’t be friends with your ex because no friend would treat you the way he did. My husband left our 4 boys and me a month ago. He’s provided no financial
    Help and has seen very little of the kids. His stuff is still here. He comes and stays some nights and doesn’t on others. He basically uses it like a hotel. Last week things were ok. He came after work, ate dinner and stayed until he got mad at my parents and then left again
    He’s being so selfish right now. He just talks about my parents being too involved ( they are bc they are wealthy and have helped a lot, then that is used as control – my life story- good people oblivious to what they’re doing) and his other reason is my jealousy/insecurity because I don’t approve of him having close female friends who talks at length with on the phone. I have a big mess. He says he loves me, I love him. Right now I’m doing all I can, many if the bad choices listed above, it’s not working and he is really using me at this point. It hurts to admit your husband is using you, but he is and I’m allowing him to do so. This morning by best friend sent me a text and said not to give up but to tell him he can move back home but not keep houng back and forth. It’s unhealthy for the kids and me. I’m confused at this point. I want my family but only if things improve from how they were before. Before he left he was spending the majority of his free time with friends, had stopped helping financially to open a lounge with his uncle, and drinking too much. This is the hardest thing I’ve been through and I’ve been through se tough stuff. I never knew you could hurt this bad.

    [Reply]

  24. Why be friends with someone who dumped you? If they want to be friends, why would they leave you without a clue, leaving love and commitment for selfish independence? To me they lied in front of God, why should they stop now, to just be friends?And why should I be happy about it when they tell me something good in their life, with over 3 billon women in this world?

    [Reply]

  25. I had a lot to do with my wife divorcing me.
    I made fun or belittled her goals and ambitions in career or life.
    Made her feel guilty for spending time at work.
    Not helping around the house.
    Ignoring her in times of need or desires,pressuring you into making life decisions like quitting her job, moving, or having children.
    I am so sorry, and want her back, if she would have me.

    [Reply]

  26. Amy says:

    Hi Mika,

    I was married for 18 years and and am just recently separated. This break up was not my choice and has been devastating. I think about him constantly and wait by the phone to see if he texts..i hang on evey word he has to say and jump at the chance to see him if i can..by reading ur post about being friends i know i am doing all the wrong things..how do i find the strength to stop? Its almost unbearable not having him around.

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    I suggest you sign up at RelationshipInnerGame.com, there we’ll hook you up with some free help on healing from breakup and getting your relationship back. On another comment, you mentioned you have kids with him. Check out this video: How to Apply Active No Contact When You Have Kids With Your Ex If you’re new here, then Clay and I work with people in getting their ex back by using ACTIVE No Contact instead of Passive No Contact (which is what most people teach themselves to do) Check out this other video on How ANC Will Save Your Relationship

    Thanks for stopping by!
    xx.Mika

    [Reply]

  27. Amy says:

    I struggle daily and i dont sleep well have lost alot of weight as a result..he has told me he just doesnt love me anymore but i still am in love with him..we have 3 kids together so still have to be in contact with each other..i just cant seem to stay away from him its just to hard..please help

    [Reply]

  28. Anna says:

    I agree Mika you have to break it off for good, if you want to find out if they want you back or
    Not.. It’s too painful to be just a friend and
    it doesn’t work. It’s better to stay away till
    Your healthy mind comes back and work on your
    Self… Other wise it’s heart ache all over
    Again… Why put yourself through that again..

    [Reply]

  29. Jessica says:

    I find myself in the same situation. Because I was trying to hold on to our marriage of 13yrs, I accepted staying friends with my ex since he told me that he was leaving because he found someone else. So for 3 months i kept on being friends with him and doing things we used to do (mostly indoors since he didn’t want his girlfriend to find out). I even kept on having sex with him. I know it is bad but I did it.
    Just about a week ago I decided that I couldn’t do this anymore if I wanted to move on with my life and heal. Now, i feel i wasted all these past 3 months because of my mistake and desperate need to have him in my life one way or another.
    In the process, i lost a lot of self respect because i was making myself a choice to him. It has been a hard week not talking to him but I will get through this with God’s help.

    [Reply]

  30. Mark says:

    My wife told me 4 months ago that she wanted to end things. I now not that 5 weeks before she told me she bumped into someone she knew and was in touch with him a lot and then are now seeing each other. We have a son together and for the last 2 months or so have been sharing responsibility of him at our home. When I’m not looking after him i stay at my dads and my wife stays at her parents when she isn’t looking after him. It’s hard not to have contact with her nor see her due to this but I have decided to change the days that we look after him in order that we don’t have to see each other as the change over will be school days and not weekends. I am hoping this will help me come to terms with the break up more and move on with my life and job which I only started 4 weeks before she told me. I am coming to terms with the break up but feel I’m helping her more by being around her when she’s not seeing her new bloke. I still love her and want us to get back together but feel I need to distance myself from her as much as possible and am even thinking of moving out altogether. The only thing I’m worried about is leaving things too long and letting her get to know this guy too much and losing her forever

    [Reply]

  31. racheal says:

    Me and my ex split up over six months ago now and i really wish i had read this before i jumped straight into a friendship with him. This is as true as it is. Three weeks after we split up i begged for him back and we became friends. We then started meeting up and having sex like we were together. Now i ask him if its ok to do certain things and listen to every single one of his lies to get me in bed.I started a friendship with him way to soon and was never a good idea. But its the first time i have been in love and theres no rule book on what to do next. Since we have split i have listened to him that much i have lost all my family as i allowed him to get to me and pushed them away.I know that self-pity is not going to help but i do seriously love him. We split as he was still in love with an ex and as soon as we seperated and moved from the flat we shared he magically did not love her anymore. I hold on to every memory we had together. I find it hard to trust men due to my past. I found comfort in him and loved him before we even got together. I thought yes ive found a man who isnt going to kill himself on me or walk out of my life hes going to stay around and show he cares. The first year or so was perfect i moved in with his parents we never has an argument in the year that i lived there then they started accusing me of stealing money. I decided i couldnt live there after being treated that way and it showed me what his parents really thought of me. I moved back home with my mum and my alcoholic step father and soon after my ex moved in my mums. We shared a single bed but he had a manual job and it started to hurt his back so he went back home. Two weeks later we found a flat and moved in. we both completely changed as people. I was not the girl he fell for and he was not the man i loved. One evening we got into a argument and he went to his mum and dads. When he returned later that evening we apologized and left it at that. The next morning he woke for work. I had made his lunch and a cup of tea but he just walked out. No bye see you later or kiss. That afternoon at 3:45 i received a phone call from him saying he wasnt coming back to the flat he was moving back with his parents. This then made me homeless as i could not move back home. I went and stayed with my uncle and started seeing my ex to empty the flat. this is when we started our friendship that i am still stuck in. I just want the feelings to stop otherwise im going to do something i regret!! i still love him after everything but yet im not good enough for him and it tears me up inside!!!!

    [Reply]

  32. J says:

    I understand where you are coming from; though, what if you did heal and came to terms with the breakup and want to be friends with your ex even if its only been 2 months since the break up? Also, I still want her back, though I am doing my own thing and trying to just let this friendship take off on its own naturally into a better relationship if it does. Thoughts?

    [Reply]

  33. jackie says:

    I don/t know that I can ever be friends with my ex, the way that I thought we were before. When we first got together we wanted to make our love the love that we always wanted in our past relationships, but never had. We said we would talk about everything. We both failed on that count. However, she broke it off with me without even trying to suggest that we talk and see if we could fix whatever we needed to so we could stay in our two year plus relationship. Trust was broken and should we ever get back together again, she will have to wait a good while to see it back to the healthy point that it was in the past.

    [Reply]

  34. Lisa says:

    Yeah. My ex had been setting up a relationship with another girl right before breaking up with me and had the audacity to ask to still be friends. Of course at first when I was desperately trying to get him back, I said yes. This lasted for about a month – he asked for favors and I said yes. At one point, I got angry because – “Why, after breaking my heart, does he get to have the benefits of having me as a friend?” No. Your ex will never realize what he’s missing if you’re always there for them. Let the new girl take the burden.

    [Reply]

  35. Cármen says:

    I agree that friendship isn’t the best option when you want your ex back. But I Wonder how can we rebuild trust when it was the lack of it that ruined the relationship?

    [Reply]

  36. steffan says:

    I’m a male and I have been dishonest with my girlfriend, I’ve been with her for 6 years and have 3 kids with her (2 are from a previous marriage of hers but I count as mine as I have brought them up) I had real issues throughout the relationship of opening up to her, I would keep things to myself and if she found out from another source she would go mad, but always made up quickly however last summer I broke her heart by hurting her trust in me, I didn’t cheat on her but my actions affected her family. We split up but in November she asked me back to try again, it was great she was sending me lovely messages of fresh starts etc but never went as far as saying she loved me except a ditto when I said it to her, then February this year she said she needed space from me and asked me to move out, a week later she ended it saying she can’t forgive me as it’s too big. Since then she said she doesn’t want the kids to know about us and doesn’t want to introduce another man in to their lives ever, I took this as a positive, so we pretend I’m still living there and she is great in regards to letting me be there with the kids, a few weeks ago she text me saying she missed me and missed sex with me, she then apologised in the evening for leading me on, I have found out now that she is seeing someone else, if I don’t see her or speak to her for more than a day she texts me to ask if I’m ok, is she still hoping for reconciliation or is she using me? I’ve read the way some can shut off all feelings but my ex seems to be keeping me around, sometimes I catch her looking at me and it’s the old look of love and intensity we once had, our relationship was outstanding in every aspect and I ruined it, I’m holding on to hope that I will be part of this family again, just want some advice.

    we have been getting on well, Ive stepped back from her and this seems to have intrigued her, for example I get the “are you ok?” texts more often, we end up chatting and she tells me that she isnt happy on the path she is following, she was happy on our path but she doesnt want to be the person who forgives me for what i did.

    I then get another “are you ok?” the other morning and we start talking again, I ask her how she is feeling and she says that she is on edge or nervous all the time, I ask why and she says its not me but she just feels nervous, I tell her i’m here for her if she needs to talk etc.

    From what I have seen of her in the last few days she doesnt seem 100% and maybe she is wondering if she made the right decision, she said to me last night that single life sucks, I agreed! just wanted to scream at her “well lets get it on then!!”

    I’m seeing the kids later and she seemed excited and happy about this because she was playfully flirting on text about it, but she is flirty anyway and I dont want to get ahead of myself, basically ive been playing it cool and loving myself again, this seems to work but its a long way back.

    I’m not helping by being there hand on foot for her which doesn’t give her the space she needs to miss me or the good things we had, I’ve got a strong gut feeling we will be together one day but I want her to want it not do it because it’s forced upon her etc, I will ignore any texts that are not to do with kids and just keep myself busy, it’s going to be super tough but it has to be done for both of our sakes

    when i told her that I need space from her etc and she was so angry, she said she gets space from me now so she doesn’t need anymore, she doesn’t understand what I want and why, I tried explaining but she was firing all sorts back at me like “you shouldn’t have messed up in the first place” etc, kept reminding me what I did wrong, she said she would love her 2.4 family back but her head says no, heart yes, she is in massive conflict with herself. Anyway I left the house in a cloud of animosity so I text her to say I didn’t want to come across like that etc, we got chatting and I said that I just think about us all day and wanted to put the wrongs right, she said at the moment she doesn’t believe what I stand for, I said as long as she sees the change in me then I’m sure she will tell me if she wants to try and she agreed.

    Then she said I look well!! I said thanks and that she looked hot, so it was a weird flirting interlude!

    I’ve got a confused girl here and I’m just going to be relaxed, subtle and be there for her, it maybe wrong but my gut and heart are telling me there is a fighting chance, we have a huge connection which she admits is still there.

    Let’s see how it goes, it’s no coinsidence that I have started to take pride in myself and love myself again and maybe that prompted the I look well compliment, maybe not! Ha!

    I was around the house last week and as I put the kids to bed she was ushering me out of the house with haste, as I leave a car turns up so I guess she is still seeing this guy, she texts me to apologise for ushering me out with haste and said she didn’t want to come across as being rude, I didn’t reply.

    We talked yesterday and she was very angry because one minute I’m great the next I’m not, so I’ve made a commitment to be consistent and remind her what she fell in love with in the first place, it’s hard because my emotions are in turmoil but I need to put a lid on it.

    She was very irate last night when I popped over and was quite confrontational but I didn’t reciprocate and I kept a happy stance, I left the house in a bit of a cloud however 5 mins later she sent this:

    Sorry I’m just not in the mood for you being chirpy one minute and arsy the next x

    She is a very proud girl and in our relationship she always found it difficult to say the word sorry, so it was nice to receive that, I’m going to pop over early in the morning to sort the kids out for school, ( they still think I live there) I told her to relax in bed while I sort everything out, maybe it’s me being soft but it’s what I did for 6 years so it’s second nature for me.

    I feel better within myself despite my emotional conflict, I feel we have a chance to get back together but it’s a long road, she needs to break her barrier down and let me in again, I need to be consistent and let the trust rebuild again, I just hope what I do now is the right thing.

    Well this morning was good, we chatted and it was nice and relaxed, she looked amazing which sent my tummy in a twirl, we then spoke about holidays and maybe taking the kids away somewhere nice in the summer, she wasn’t reluctant yet wasn’t overboard about us going in holiday with the kids, she reiterated that the kids cannot know about us! Surely this is a positive I have to take and take well?

    Anyway as I left the house she gave our girl a kiss goodbye and I jokingly waited in line to give her a kiss, she laughed and turned her cheek and I kissed her, it’s nice we get on but I just need to keep this consistent playfulness with her, I can feel it in my gut that she desperately wants us back but needs to erase this resentment she has towards me, time and effort I guess is the only way forward.

    I’m consistent, I still over analyze but I have kept my emotions in check, she told me last night she was on a bit of a downer, I asked why and she said she was tired, needed a break from the kids, so in my usual “I’ll fix this” mode, I suggested we get babysitters and go to the cinema to give her a break, she said no because she isnt ready for that, i was gutted then angry I asked her then sort of positive that she said she wasnt ready instead of a “hell no”, anyway I kept my dissapointment inside so she saw no difference.

    Do you still think she is yearning for me and us? what does she mean that she isnt ready? will she be ready in a month, 2months etc?

    other than that we are getting on well and ive been super dad with the kids and helping her out because she has been under the weather.

    She did say too that her head tells her to get back with me but her heart says hell no.

    Reply

    Sorry for the long post!

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    Do you still think she is yearning for me and us? what does she mean that she isnt ready? will she be ready in a month, 2months etc? < << To answer your question....how will my response actually help you be the man who can attract her back? My answer and your speculations (along with others you've asked) will be based on PURE ASSUMPTION because the only person who has any clue as to what your girl is thinking and feeling is HER--not you... not I. The more you dwell over things you have no control over...the more you're NOT TAKING ACTION to get her back as your wheels spin in the mud of self-inflicted torture. I suggest signing up for relationshipinnergame.com for more tailored advice about getting her back.

    xx, Mika

    [Reply]

  37. Cute says:

    I totally agree with you mika:) I’m feeling better now since clay and you sending emails to me. To focus on myself first and accept the situation.. Thank you for your advices.

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    @Cute, rock on sista friend;)

    [Reply]

  38. Kelly Bruce says:

    The emails are great and i am trying to take the advice. My husband had emotional affair and told me in January that he no longer loved me and was in love with her. We tried being friends until i kicked him out a month ago after going to a lawyer for separation papers. He said that would make him happy even though he was crying like a baby when the ow broke it off to go to China. He says its over but i know she is coming back end of May and she told him when they were together that she won’t have sex until he separated from me. He says he was unhappy but i didn’t see it i have been a stay at home mom catering to his everyneed for 24 years 13 married. I truly love him and want him to try and work it out; we have a 16 year old daughter. I have no idea if he is waiting for the ow or he is justed messed up because he said he never felt like that before when with her, that was shot to my gut. Do i give up or hold on to the tread of hope he will wake up and realize everything he is losing. I text him but he never replies and if he does its hours after. He said he wanted to be friends and act civil and i am the only one trying. Friends don’t treat friends that way! Don’t know how to move past this.

    [Reply]

  39. bob says:

    I can really relate to this. I tried so hard to be her friend buy she wasn’t comfortable with it yet cause she was still getting over the relationship even though she broke up with me. Her birthday is coming up soon and I’ve bought her a jewelry charm which I’ve been planning to buy her for over half a year. We went clubbing last week and she got completely wasted and ended up grinding on one of my “friends”(he isn’t anymore). I tried talking to her and approaching her that night and all I got was the cold shoulder even though she was completely wasted which makes me think she just completely hates me. I still want to give her the gift since I’ve already bought it and I can’t return it. Also I’d like to be the bigger person and give it to her as a token for our relationship in the past. Does she still deserve the present? How do I give it to her in a way that doesn’t freak her out? I really just wanna give it to her as a thank you for the good memories together.

    [Reply]

    Mika Replied:

    I don’t see the problem with it if giving her this gift isn’t laced with any hidden agendas, expectations or “covert contract”. Gift-giving has nothing to do with “deserving” it or not. If you can give her this gift and be EMOTIONALLY okay with whatever outcome, yes.. give it to her, but if not, I’d take a second look at the real reason you want to give her this gift in the first place. Is it coming from a place of NEED or WANT?

    [Reply]

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